Betamax Sluts "Extra-Buttery Mind Control" (2014)

Produced by Randy Prozac


No Tango

the new pastries they make here are so fucking good
nothing below 3 dollars but the ones at the other place are the same price anyway
i'm gonna drive my car right into that stupid asshole in front of me
i want to so bad, i have to stop myself, take my foot off the pedal
i want to claw the faces of people i've never even met, i think about that
i think about knocking on strangers doors and introducing them to my fist
whoever he is i hate him so much, oh my god!
my lipstick has a semi-matte ok? for full-bodied lips, i want full-bodied
creamy moist looking lips, the honolulu honey color for fucks sake
what's your fucking problem?
i asked for honolulu honey and they sold me fucking sheer muted grape
now i have to go all the way back and i hate this show
whatever it's called, that guy isn't funny at all, what's his name? oh nevermind
no, it was the other show, i meant the other show i got them mixed up
and i love this purse, what's wrong with this stupid phone? i can't get it to post anything
i spent 10 fucking minutes writing that post and now it's lost, i can't remember it now
this phone hates me and i suck at tango, i just suck at it, i hate it
and where's the magic of your hands you promised? you're all liars
i can't figure out the stupid joystick sequence
why did you make it so retarded? are you retarded?
and this perfume doesn't smell good on me
it smelled good on you but it smells like a solvent on me, why?
and i don't like that kind of chocolate anymore, why did you get me that kind?
i told you i don't like that kind anymore, i used to but not anymore
my tiny dog is my baby, he needs me, i'm his mommy
he would die without me, he would die
he would die, he would lay down on the linoleum
and his little heart would just stop beating and he would die
and i look fat in these jeans and i hate these jeans
i'm going to cut them up with the scissors and hang myself with them
i'm going to make them into a noose and hang myself and you'll find me dead
do you understand? are you even listening?
why is it so cold in here? it was hot before, it was boiling, i can't stand it
and the core disorder, you don't know anything that you're talking about
you're not a doctor, you don't know what you're talking about, shut up
and my phone doesn't recognize the internet, why?
i did everything right and it won't work and i hate it and everything hates me
and i want someone who knows my needs, and i can't find that receipt now
now i'm stuck with that shitty color, they did it on purpose they hate me there
they only have sales when they know i won't be around
and the dog peed on my new shoes, you peed on my new shoes you little shit
i hate you, where's the spray bottle? where's my phone? oh my god!
turn the heat up, what's wrong with you? you're such an asshole
you have no magic fingers, no tango
and you ate the last piece i know you did, that's how you are
no, the dog's just pretending to have convulsions, they're pretend convulsions
he does it all the time, those type of dog's brains don't work right.

 

Zoloft Chicks

i feel like i'm no longer alive
yeah, i no longer feel stressed
but i no longer feel anything
i've had a headache for days
and i'm in a total fog
i'm sick in the stomach
and i wake up dizzy
throughout the night
i'm tired all the time
and i can't sleep
i have bad dreams when i do
bad dreams with spiders in them
and i don't feel connected anymore
non-stop diarrhea
and i'm too afraid to quit
because i'm terrified of gaining weight
because i'm obsessed with food
i can't think about food
oh see? now i started talking about food again
it's just my obsession talking
i hate food
food is my worst enemy
don't talk about food please
i'm getting dizzy again, hold on..

i don't feel comfortable
in my own skin anymore
but this too shall pass
i was in so much emotional pain
i was literally immobilized by it
zoloft set me free
and i can live with the spiders in my head
we're almost friends now
i even gave some of them names
the big ones name is lexapro
and the freaky ones name is celexa
anyways, i count the calories religiously
and i'm about to get hysterical
so bear with me, i'll make it
even though my emotions
are in a state of mummification
there are little moments
when i can feel them
oh hold on, diarrhea..

low level nausea is my middle name
my first name is apathy
zoloft is helping me survive
crying my eyes out for days
and wanting to die
is better than stuffing my face
on zoloft i can forget all that
i can network with friends again
and have fun
and even though it's like watching a puppet show
starring my own self
it's still better than food
before zoloft i was so anxious at work
i would get stressed out over anything
but i didn't get bothered by anything today
and even though my sex drive is gone
men are all liars anyway
so i don't miss that, or food
i still feel like i'm on the verge
of a constant freakout
but it never happens
i can live with it
zoloft improved my mood
instead of all the little feelings
it's just one nice steady hum
i have my morning cry
and then i get on with my day
even though the headaches
start to put pressure behind my eyes
and i feel like a vise grip
is tightening around my brain
it's worth the trade off
because now my ocd and anxiety is better
and i always feel like a deer
watching the headlights coming
and i just took six tylenols
when the blank stare
and dumbfounded smile
come back to haunt me
i cut the pills in half
and eat them throughout the day

 

White Trash Compactor

my baby won't stop jerking and crying
and he just vomits all the time
it's cuz he's addicted to methadone
cuz they said i couldn't take anymore oxycodone
since i was pregnant
it turns out it wasn't addicted to methadone
yeah, it was the oxycodone i meant
i was still taking it but
i did take the methadone too
cuz they said it would help
and it did, i didn't get as high
so i thought baby wouldn't either
i was also taking percocet's
because i couldn't feel the oxycodone
it wasn't as strong because of the methadone
those are like aspirins so whatever
but yeah.. when it was in the womb
i kept feeling this straining, shaking feeling down there
and i guess it was the baby having seizures
from the withdrawal and stuff
so i thought i better double up the oxy
and i did, then the seizures down there stopped
but yeah, the baby has tremors
but he's so cute when he gets googly eyed
he cries and cries and it's so annoying
i found that what works best
is if i take a couple oxycontins
and down a few shooters of vodka
and then wait a few hours
before i breast feed him
then he sleeps like a baby

 

Suburban Taxidermy

i can't go out with my hair like this
i tried to dye it mahogany
and now it just looks like shit
and those sunglasses don't fit my face shape
they make me look like a retard
and i hate my body
sometimes i have a few good days when i love it
but then my bellybutton filled with pus
and i had to take my piercing out
and i try to look happy but i hate my face
i want to stab my face
how can i be so ugly?
i can't stop biting my nails
i should just bite them down to the bone
until they're just skeleton hands
and then poke my eyes out with the bony tips
now i have a rash from the splash-all-over body mist
i think it's eating my skin
i squeeze the tennis ball but it doesn't do shit
my shoes are so ugly, that's why i bought them
because they suit me, because i'm so ugly
i'm not god's creation, i'm a living abortion
if beauty is within then i'm drinking poison
seriously, my face is gonna ruin my life
i didn't realize this would happen
the makeup failed.. it failed
beautiful people are more successful than others
especially women, my breasts are too large
i feel so humiliated, and it's clear that i'm a lesser person
i keep cutting but i chicken out
i can't even do that right
no boys due to ugly
no job prospects due to ugly
turn off face and grim finance sector
what's the fucking point?
they can restore my smile with dental implants
why can't they restore my smile with mental implants?
if i smash my own nose will i get an automatic nose job?
i'm thinking about smashing my cheekbones
so i can have larger ones implanted
no makeup can fix this
no one around loves me
not an ounce of love
and i don't blame them
i want to kill myself so bad
cultural anthropology will back me up
i'm ugly, i'm gross
i warn you for what you will see.

 

Crying On Gacy's Shoulder

my boyfriend doesn't even follow me on twitter
he favorites selfies of girls he doesn't even know
and he won't even add me on skype
like, there are times i go on his timeline to see if he's tweeting
and i think he blocked me
i was waiting all day so we could facetime
and he just talked to other friends on facetime instead
i love him more than anyone here
i took the whole jar of pills, but then he called
so i made myself puke before they took effect
i cut my arm to shreds anyway
i threatened to break up with him
because whenever he lies or does things
he refuses to take responsibility
and he never says he's sorry
yeah ok whatever then break up with me
and then i swallow more pills
and text him the pill bottle
and he ignores it so i have to puke them up again
and then he keeps favoriting pictures of other girls
and i text him like what the fuck?
and he swears he loves me
and that he doesn't mean those things
he was just mad but he always tweets other girls
and i tell him i love him all the time
and he just says ok.. ok
and so i said why? and he said he doesn't like doing that
but he used to.. he says he misses me and i ask him what he misses
he said my big breasts and nice ass, i said ok but what else?
he said the battery's at 3 percent, he said he'd get back to me
i said ok, at least it was something sweet
i wish he said i had beautiful eyes but my eyes aren't that great
i hate my eyes, he said no girl should even be talking to any guy
unless she's with him, cuz he's the man
and i can only wear certain clothes with him
but then he doesn't text me unless some other guy texts me
and then he flips out then he says everything over
and to go swallow more pills cuz i'm a slut
but he took it all back after i gave him a blowjob on the bus
but then he acted like he changed and i guess he changed
and i believe him but then he deleted me
he says it's cuz he doesn't want his ex's feelings to get hurt
cuz he loves me so much and that would hurt her a lot
so that's cool, he doesn't message me when he's sober
he said he was dog-sitting at a friends house
and he'd get back to me later, then he just played videogames
but i gave him oral because fair is fair
but then he just watches cartoons with his friends
and he doesn't answer my texts
and i had to go to the hospital with my grandma
so i couldn't bring my phone then he got mad
and said i'm a lying whore and now he doesn't text me
he says he'll talk to me in public but only when he's drunk
and i miss him like crazy, then he comes over one night
and says he wants to be with me and i said ok
so then he just lies on top of me and i feel his weight on me
but nothing's happening..
and i ask why? why? what's happening?
and he said be quiet and that he's thinking about stuff
and i guess that means he must love me to trust me like that
i don't know, then he gets up and leaves and later he texts me
and calls me a slut and i say why? he says you know why
but i don't know why, maybe i'm too needy?
or maybe he does love me and is just too afraid to text it?
i text him back and say you can come lay on me again
he says he doesn't know what i'm talking about
he says i'm smoking the lightbulb again
and i tell him no way, i can't i'm on probation
and then he did the sweetest thing
he liked my facebook profile pic
he said he wants to try my cooking next time he's drunk
and i said well what do you like?
and he said just order domino's that's his favorite
he told me that i just needed a spa day
and that he isn't lying, he loves me
more than he could ever say
so that's why he doesn't say it.