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Betamax Sluts "Extra-Buttery Mind Control" (2015)

Produced by Randy Prozac


White Trash Compactor

my baby won't stop jerking and crying
and he just vomits all the time
it's cuz he's addicted to methadone
cuz they said i couldn't take anymore oxycodone
since i was pregnant
it turns out it wasn't addicted to methadone
yeah, it was the oxycodone i meant
i was still taking it but
i did take the methadone too
cuz they said it would help
and it did, i didn't get as high
so i thought baby wouldn't either
i was also taking percocet's
because i couldn't feel the oxycodone
it wasn't as strong because of the methadone
those are like aspirins so whatever
but yeah.. when it was in the womb
i kept feeling this straining, shaking feeling down there
and i guess it was the baby having seizures
from the withdrawal and stuff
so i thought i better double up the oxy
and i did, then the seizures down there stopped
but yeah, the baby has tremors
but he's so cute when he gets googly eyed
he cries and cries and it's so annoying
i found that what works best
is if i take a couple oxycontins
and down a few shooters of vodka
and then wait a few hours
before i breast feed him
then he sleeps like a baby

 

Soggy Froot Loops

my brain feels like a bowl of soggy froot loops
and the saline nasal spray makes everything smell like dirty band-aids
i want to throw up my brains, i want to vomit my brains
oh no, the dog is licking the floor again
and i've been constipated for months
and i can't sit down and my vision keeps changing
and i'm having difficulty swallowing
and i can't feel my arms when i wake up
and i need to keep moving
and everything is tingling
and i'm hearing voices
and i have no emotions that are my own
and nothing keeps me entertained
i have to chew my food equally on both sides of my mouth
and i count my teeth with my tongue
twenty times clockwise
and 20 times counter-clockwise
until it gives me a headache
when i cut an apple into pieces
they have to be perfectly aligned to each other in a fixed position
then i eat them numerically and i use my whole head to chew
and i hear voices in the other room
and if one of my ears gets touched
i absolutely have to have the other ear touched
just so it evens out
if it evens out, i'm fine.. and then it's like nothing ever happened
when i clip my nails that entire day is a write-off, just forget about it
if i see a crumb on the carpet i can't concentrate on the tv
when i watch csi, i continually remind myself that i'm watching csi
if i'm in the mall, or anywhere that the flooring is tiled
i make sure i walk in each square and not touch the lines
if i step on a line i get paranoid
and i have to go back and start all over again
i have to count each pixel, i clean the mouse, i can't stand itunes
i pull my hairs out one-by-one
when i look in the mirror, all i see is a short, fat 12-year old
and i always have to go to the bathroom
when i masturbate and it goes nowhere
and i'm obsessed with chlorine
when i make eye contact i have to move my eyes in circles
then i have to bisect the circles with one perfect linear eye movement
and i always get it wrong and i have to do it over and over until my eyes hurt
i think i left a tampon inside me and i can't find it anywhere
and i want my belly button removed
and i need tranquilizers
and i'm horrified..
the positive poetry doesn't do shit
and i'm sexually attracted to prime numbers
3, 5, 7, 9, 11
even saying that makes me get really turned on
and i spend too much time on the toilet for no reason
and i see gas particles colliding in the air
and today i was eating a burger and i thought i was eating fries
and when i was eating my "fries", i thought i should be eating my burger
even though i was already eating my burger
and i made eye contact in the mirror with my dog
and i feel so ashamed
and when i sleep i hear a baby screaming and crying
and then i wake up and realize that it was me
then i sterilized the screwdriver
and take zantac's before bed and abilify in the morning
and alternate between tetris and masturbation
and my eyes keep blinking
they're blinking and blinking like a clown
a mentally retarded clown with blinking eyes
i used a stopwatch and it was hopeless, worthless
i'm a worthless abortion and how am i supposed to go shopping like this?
the handbag is in five different colors
and they know i have to buy each color
and they always do this to me
and i jiggle the door handle
and i jiggle the door handle
and i want to stab myself in the head
and now i'm crying again and i can't stop crying

 

Pregnant Retard Lethal Injection

my mom drank liquor
and smoked weed
when she was pregnant with me
my forehead bulges out
and i have a cleft palate
i feel really confused
all the time
with everything
i think i have down's syndrome
i don't have the brains to have anything
resembling an intelligent conversation
i don't have the motivation
to do anything but watch television
because i wasn't fully toilet trained
until i was 17 years old
when i try to read a book
i just end up staring at a block of text
without understanding it at all
my perception is so limited and small
that i go into detail
about the tiniest bit of knowledge
that i have in my brain
then when i die
i'll go to heaven retarded
and they'll laugh at me there too
i don't know how to walk normal
because i can't stop thinking
about my mechanical legs
that suspend my disgusting abdomen
up off the ground
like a sack of filthy potatoes
on display
for everyone to laugh at
a sack of ugly potatoes
on stilts
and i know i have autism
and i'm legally blind too
and i have that weird fat puffy face
and people joke that i'm "mentally challenged"
mentally challenged? fuck off
i'm a retard!
a total retard that needs lethal injection
they should sterilize my entire family tree

 

No Tango

the new pastries they make here are so fucking good
nothing below 3 dollars but the ones at the other place are the same price anyway
i'm gonna drive my car right into that stupid asshole in front of me
i want to so bad, i have to stop myself, take my foot off the pedal
i want to claw the faces of people i've never even met, i think about that
i think about knocking on strangers doors and introducing them to my fist
whoever he is i hate him so much, oh my god!
my lipstick has a semi-matte ok? for full-bodied lips, i want full-bodied
creamy moist looking lips, the honolulu honey color for fucks sake
what's your fucking problem?
i asked for honolulu honey and they sold me fucking sheer muted grape
now i have to go all the way back and i hate this show
whatever it's called, that guy isn't funny at all, what's his name? oh nevermind
no, it was the other show, i meant the other show i got them mixed up
and i love this purse, what's wrong with this stupid phone? i can't get it to post anything
i spent 10 fucking minutes writing that post and now it's lost, i can't remember it now
this phone hates me and i suck at tango, i just suck at it, i hate it
and where's the magic of your hands you promised? you're all liars
i can't figure out the stupid joystick sequence
why did you make it so retarded? are you retarded?
and this perfume doesn't smell good on me
it smelled good on you but it smells like a solvent on me, why?
and i don't like that kind of chocolate anymore, why did you get me that kind?
i told you i don't like that kind anymore, i used to but not anymore
my tiny dog is my baby, he needs me, i'm his mommy
he would die without me, he would die
he would die, he would lay down on the linoleum
and his little heart would just stop beating and he would die
and i look fat in these jeans and i hate these jeans
i'm going to cut them up with the scissors and hang myself with them
i'm going to make them into a noose and hang myself and you'll find me dead
do you understand? are you even listening?
why is it so cold in here? it was hot before, it was boiling, i can't stand it
and the core disorder, you don't know anything that you're talking about
you're not a doctor, you don't know what you're talking about, shut up
and my phone doesn't recognize the internet, why?
i did everything right and it won't work and i hate it and everything hates me
and i want someone who knows my needs, and i can't find that receipt now
now i'm stuck with that shitty color, they did it on purpose they hate me there
they only have sales when they know i won't be around
and the dog peed on my new shoes, you peed on my new shoes you little shit
i hate you, where's the spray bottle? where's my phone? oh my god!
turn the heat up, what's wrong with you? you're such an asshole
you have no magic fingers, no tango
and you ate the last piece i know you did, that's how you are
no, the dog's just pretending to have convulsions, they're pretend convulsions
he does it all the time, those type of dog's brains don't work right.

 

Freeze Dried Soft Drive

the hand lotion
squirted on my face
and then i had a dream
of shooting myself
i could feel the bullet
go through my head
but i was still there
so i tried drinking
my own breast milk
and it tasted like puke
then i end up in a ball
on the floor
and then everything goes black
and the puppy face shows up again
and then i wake up
in a puddle of cold vomit
a disgusting autistic baby
that needs big hugs and kisses
but i'm covered in puke
and i smell like dog pee
because the dog peed on me
while i was passed out
and on instagram
every time my boyfriend ejaculates
i have to be on the other side of the room
because his sperm is disgusting
everything about it is disgusting
the color and the consistency
just makes me feel like i'm going to vomit
and i'm practically illiterate
but my tits make up for it
and i think i have meningitis
and i can't eat peanut butter
because it never goes down
it just stays in my mouth
like a creamy crunchy leech
and i just can't stop talking to myself
and i freaked out and grabbed a pan
and started swinging it and shouting
i hate this person
they think they're are so awesome
and i have a fear of cucumbers
and i always feel invisible hands
poking me
and i threw up again
now there's captain crunch
all over the linoleum
and the dog is licking it up
and i keep hearing someone whistling
and the phone keeps vibrating

 

Zoloft Chicks

i feel like i'm no longer alive
yeah, i no longer feel stressed
but i no longer feel anything
i've had a headache for days
and i'm in a total fog
i'm sick in the stomach
and i wake up dizzy
throughout the night
i'm tired all the time
and i can't sleep
i have bad dreams when i do
bad dreams with spiders in them
and i don't feel connected anymore
non-stop diarrhea
and i'm too afraid to quit
because i'm terrified of gaining weight
because i'm obsessed with food
i can't think about food
oh see? now i started talking about food again
it's just my obsession talking
i hate food
food is my worst enemy
don't talk about food please
i'm getting dizzy again, hold on..

i don't feel comfortable
in my own skin anymore
but this too shall pass
i was in so much emotional pain
i was literally immobilized by it
zoloft set me free
and i can live with the spiders in my head
we're almost friends now
i even gave some of them names
the big ones name is lexapro
and the freaky ones name is celexa
anyways, i count the calories religiously
and i'm about to get hysterical
so bear with me, i'll make it
even though my emotions
are in a state of mummification
there are little moments
when i can feel them
oh hold on, diarrhea..

low level nausea is my middle name
my first name is apathy
zoloft is helping me survive
crying my eyes out for days
and wanting to die
is better than stuffing my face
on zoloft i can forget all that
i can network with friends again
and have fun
and even though it's like watching a puppet show
starring my own self
it's still better than food
before zoloft i was so anxious at work
i would get stressed out over anything
but i didn't get bothered by anything today
and even though my sex drive is gone
men are all liars anyway
so i don't miss that, or food
i still feel like i'm on the verge
of a constant freakout
but it never happens
i can live with it
zoloft improved my mood
instead of all the little feelings
it's just one nice steady hum
i have my morning cry
and then i get on with my day
even though the headaches
start to put pressure behind my eyes
and i feel like a vise grip
is tightening around my brain
it's worth the trade off
because now my ocd and anxiety is better
and i always feel like a deer
watching the headlights coming
and i just took six tylenols
when the blank stare
and dumbfounded smile
come back to haunt me
i cut the pills in half
and eat them throughout the day

 

Suburban Taxidermy

i can't go out with my hair like this
i tried to dye it mahogany
and now it just looks like shit
and those sunglasses don't fit my face shape
they make me look like a retard
and i hate my body
sometimes i have a few good days when i love it
but then my bellybutton filled with pus
and i had to take my piercing out
and i try to look happy but i hate my face
i want to stab my face
how can i be so ugly?
i can't stop biting my nails
i should just bite them down to the bone
until they're just skeleton hands
and then poke my eyes out with the bony tips
now i have a rash from the splash-all-over body mist
i think it's eating my skin
i squeeze the tennis ball but it doesn't do shit
my shoes are so ugly, that's why i bought them
because they suit me, because i'm so ugly
i'm not god's creation, i'm a living abortion
if beauty is within then i'm drinking poison
seriously, my face is gonna ruin my life
i didn't realize this would happen
the makeup failed.. it failed
beautiful people are more successful than others
especially women, my breasts are too large
i feel so humiliated, and it's clear that i'm a lesser person
i keep cutting but i chicken out
i can't even do that right
no boys due to ugly
no job prospects due to ugly
turn off face and grim finance sector
what's the fucking point?
they can restore my smile with dental implants
why can't they restore my smile with mental implants?
if i smash my own nose will i get an automatic nose job?
i'm thinking about smashing my cheekbones
so i can have larger ones implanted
no makeup can fix this
no one around loves me
not an ounce of love
and i don't blame them
i want to kill myself so bad
cultural anthropology will back me up
i'm ugly, i'm gross
i warn you for what you will see.

 

The Autistic Pac-Man

i lost my new ear buds
and i think i'm freaking out over it
and i'm on the pill and a bit obese
and i got some new jeans the other day
and i keep hearing a little girl voice
inside my head saying
help me.. help me..
and now i'm paralyzed
on the right side of my body
and i tried playing with the dog
with the left side
and then i started sobbing uncontrollably
and then the dog starts heaving
thick yellow vomit
and i started kicking the coffee table
kicking it and kicking it
and he starts shitting
so i threw him out the window of the high-rise
and he was so light
that the wind just carried him
like a little angel
smashing him into the adjacent high-rise
leaving a tiny red pock mark
of blood
that i see every single day
and i don't care..
i don't care..
and then i have 180 symptoms
of mental retardation
and it always feels like there's sweat
dripping down my body
but there is no sweat
and i don't even feel like i'm in my own body
and i use noxzema pads on everything
and there's microscopic eggs everywhere
and my dog is insane
and i know the apocalypse is coming
and that motor-home is still there
and there's bugs in my skin
moving through my arms and legs
and they're feeding off my brain
like pac-man
and i can feel them moving around
and many of them are making new little holes
and i sprayed myself with windex
then they started pushng out
and i peed them out
and i always hear a flat-lining sound in my head
and sudafed gave me brain disease
and one side of my face is bulging
because my head is flat on the back
and it makes me look like someone i'm not
then i puked the worms out
and they were in my brain
and now there's vomit in my lungs
everywhere i go
i hear bad voices cursing me
and the autistic dots
are eating up my brain
and i get flashes in my right eye
because the tapeworms
are inside of my eyeball
i keep trying to kill the worms
but they won't die
i tried writing a suicide note
but it just turned out lame
i don't know how to be funny
i tried watching those funny shows
and stand-up comedians
but whenever i try to implement the jokes
people just stare at me in this awkward silence
and it's a continuous circle
getting stronger and stronger each time
i've been throwing up for days straight
and the room is spinning
and i'm having hallucinations
and the dog is screaming
and the only reason
i'm not dead yet
is because i'm scared to death of knives
and i'm repulsed by reproductive organs
every time my phone vibrates
i feel the urge to masturbate
but then i just pee my pants and go numb
the human body makes me sick to my stomach
and i threw up on the bus
then my body begins to shiver
and i have nightmares for days
i can't even say the word "penicillin"
penicillin!
penicillin!

 

A Little Debbie

the pills were wearing off during my abortion
and all they gave me was a little debbie
i'm an abortion, my dreams are abortions
and i'm crawling inside of them
i'm inside someone's body and i can't breathe
there are other people inside of here too
and i'm suffocating in the guts
i always use a ruler to draw circles
and i took the kalms but they made it worse
and it won't stop and i'm just exhausted
i can't lose my scholarship! i can't lose my scholarship!
my thoughts are racing but my mind is moving so slowly
and i can feel every nerve under my scalp
crawling across my skull like electric spaghetti screaming
screaming in agony as their last shred of hope is completely annihilated forever
i obsess about my dog, i can't leave him at home, he'll pee in my shoes
i played with the padlock so many times, so many times
i have to shake the one leg
the same amount of times as the other leg
or i'll start crying again
and then i'll shake uncontrollably and scare the dog
and then he'll pee all over everything
and i'll never get the dog pee out of the pantyhose
and then everyone in the world will hate me
i'm surrounded by people that hate me
and i think i'm gonna pass out again
i need to make more affirmations, where's the sticky notes?
i keep them in the exact same place and they're not there!
i drink gallons of water and my mouth feels so dry
when i was younger i let the dog lick me down there
and i feel really bad about it
and i tried using instagram
but it keeps logging into my other social networking accounts
i try to make a list of affirmations
but i have to keep erasing them and starting again
i have to write them over and over again
because i don't want people to think i'm a slob
i can feel my tongue..
i can feel my tongue squirming around in my mouth like a worm
there's a worm in my mouth and it just tells lies and lies
and i wish i could just fast-forward it all and get it over with
there's amoebas crawling all over me
and i'm running out of rubber gloves
i wish i could just take my entire head apart like an appliance
and rinse each individual part with vinegar
the brain lock didn't help, nothing helps
hold on, i need to clean my teeth again
i need to clean them every 500 words
oh god, the dog peed on the hardwood
i went to a restaurant and i couldn't eat the food
because the waiter touched it and now it's diseased
i put it in the microwave to try to kill the disease
but it didn't work and now i have a headache
and i feel like i'm dreaming
i got the costco hearing aids and now i feel sick
and i'm spacing out and snapchat fucked me up for life
and the abilify makes everything feel wet
but the effexor makes the surfaces feel peaceful again
and my mouth makes whiny puppy sounds
and it's so humiliating because i sound like a clown
and everybody is laughing at me in their heads
i can feel a pseudo-seizure coming.. !

 

Popping The Bubble Wrap

i look like a penis trying to run
and i have to force myself
not to peel other people's sunburns
and if anything touches the counter, i won't eat it
and don't get me started on cups and glasses
and i see flies everywhere
out of the corners of my eyes
and my nerves feel like steel wool in a microwave oven
and i think i'm going blind in one eye
and my swiffer smells like dog piss
and my gag reflex is triggering
and my whole body starts shutting down
if someone leaves the toilet seat up
i use oxy pads on everything
and i think i'm mentally handicapped
i just never realized it before
and someone called me a loser on the internet
and i can't get over it
and my eyes won't focus
and i have crazy eyes
when i hear the dog coughing
i feel like i'm gonna puke
and i check my social media sites all day long
and the internet has given me permanent psychosis
and i can't stop thinking about other people's lives
the internet is poisonous
and i hate my nipples
and my brain feels like it is wiggling around
when i move my head
and i can't think about my intestines or i'll throw up
oh good god! i have intestines..i have intestines!
and i think my house is haunted and it's cold in here
and i turn on the tv to trick my brain into leaving
and i have horrible everything
i have such an ugly punchable face
and i'm addicted to hairspray
and when i talk to people
i watch the shapes their tongues make
they aren't the one that's talking
it's the shapes that the tongues make
and the noise that comes out of the hole behind the teeth
it isn't them.. it's something.. it's some thing!
and there's no toilet paper
and i try to keep my eyes open as wide as i can
and i just hit the space-bar and backspace
3 times in a row, 5 times in a row
and i'm cleaning the bathroom
at 3am again and i'm so tired
and i'm having a brain aneurysm
and i keep hearing my mom telling me
where the penis goes when you sleep
and i post hundreds of the cutest puppies
and no one gives a shit
and i count the cheerios until i'm suicidal
and when i see blue skies i just want to kill myself
the sound of cellophane makes me want to claw my face off
and i get dizzy if i smell peanut butter
and door knobs have ruined my life
and right before i orgasm i have intrusive thoughts
about a man who murdered someone in my neighborhood
and i'm addicted to sleeping pills
and i ate three boxes of honey-buns
three times a day for three weeks straight
and i'm always thinking "what if?" .. "what if?"
shut up! shut up!
i don't shut my drawers if i'm thinking something bad
and if i have a bath i have to wash my hands after
and dry them on the towel
then wash them again after i touched the towel
and i can waste entire days like this
and if i drop something on the floor
i consider it gone forever
and i pull all the kleenex out of the box
just to verify them
where does the penis go?
shut up mom!
i have to go check the cupboards again
and i'm constantly clearing my throat
and it drives everyone crazy
and i can never get all the pee out
and i go through tweezers like no tomorrow
and i can't stop popping the bubble wrap
i carry bubble wrap with me everywhere i go
which is nowhere except back to bed
and i tried to drown my dog
in a large ziploc bag full of pineapple juice
and i said, "i'm so sorry! i'm so sorry!"
and now when he smells pineapple
he just lays on the linoleum and pretends he's dead.

 

Crying On Gacy's Shoulder

my boyfriend doesn't even follow me on twitter
he favorites selfies of girls he doesn't even know
and he won't even add me on skype
like, there are times i go on his timeline to see if he's tweeting
and i think he blocked me
i was waiting all day so we could facetime
and he just talked to other friends on facetime instead
i love him more than anyone here
i took the whole jar of pills, but then he called
so i made myself puke before they took effect
i cut my arm to shreds anyway
i threatened to break up with him
because whenever he lies or does things
he refuses to take responsibility
and he never says he's sorry
yeah ok whatever then break up with me
and then i swallow more pills
and text him the pill bottle
and he ignores it so i have to puke them up again
and then he keeps favoriting pictures of other girls
and i text him like what the fuck?
and he swears he loves me
and that he doesn't mean those things
he was just mad but he always tweets other girls
and i tell him i love him all the time
and he just says ok.. ok
and so i said why? and he said he doesn't like doing that
but he used to.. he says he misses me and i ask him what he misses
he said my big breasts and nice ass, i said ok but what else?
he said the battery's at 3 percent, he said he'd get back to me
i said ok, at least it was something sweet
i wish he said i had beautiful eyes but my eyes aren't that great
i hate my eyes, he said no girl should even be talking to any guy
unless she's with him, cuz he's the man
and i can only wear certain clothes with him
but then he doesn't text me unless some other guy texts me
and then he flips out then he says everything over
and to go swallow more pills cuz i'm a slut
but he took it all back after i gave him a blowjob on the bus
but then he acted like he changed and i guess he changed
and i believe him but then he deleted me
he says it's cuz he doesn't want his ex's feelings to get hurt
cuz he loves me so much and that would hurt her a lot
so that's cool, he doesn't message me when he's sober
he said he was dog-sitting at a friends house
and he'd get back to me later, then he just played videogames
but i gave him oral because fair is fair
but then he just watches cartoons with his friends
and he doesn't answer my texts
and i had to go to the hospital with my grandma
so i couldn't bring my phone then he got mad
and said i'm a lying whore and now he doesn't text me
he says he'll talk to me in public but only when he's drunk
and i miss him like crazy, then he comes over one night
and says he wants to be with me and i said ok
so then he just lies on top of me and i feel his weight on me
but nothing's happening..
and i ask why? why? what's happening?
and he said be quiet and that he's thinking about stuff
and i guess that means he must love me to trust me like that
i don't know, then he gets up and leaves and later he texts me
and calls me a slut and i say why? he says you know why
but i don't know why, maybe i'm too needy?
or maybe he does love me and is just too afraid to text it?
i text him back and say you can come lay on me again
he says he doesn't know what i'm talking about
he says i'm smoking the lightbulb again
and i tell him no way, i can't i'm on probation
and then he did the sweetest thing
he liked my facebook profile pic
he said he wants to try my cooking next time he's drunk
and i said well what do you like?
and he said just order domino's that's his favorite
he told me that i just needed a spa day
and that he isn't lying, he loves me
more than he could ever say
so that's why he doesn't say it.

 

The Sexual Stuff

their bodies are small
but their eyes are full of love
their eyes are small too though
and they're wall to wall
i lost track of how many
and you have to make sure
that none of them
are in physical contact
with each other
or else it will short-circuit
the array of their awesomeness
i really do love them
i even got divorced
i just finished indexing them all
on paper and computer
but i think i have to do it
all over again
just to make absolute positive
and it breaks my heart
it just breaks my heart
to say goodbye
but i have to
i have to
i don't want to
but there's no other way
because it became impure
i have to take it out to the alley
and smash it against the concrete
then i walked back inside
with tears in my eyes